Superfans of musicians are always looking for ways to get closer to the artists they love. That might involve learning everything about their lives, getting front row tickets, or begging for autographs.
For the most committed of superfans of Swedish metal band Ghost the band has – apparently due to extreme demand – announced a reissue of merch that offers the ultimate way to feel the very closest of connections with frontman Papa Emeritus. Not ones to shy away from the unusual, they have gone to extra lengths to ensure that they can please their fans – in more ways than one, it seems. Lucian Grainge would, I’m sure, approve.
Already doing well at super serving their superfans, the band offer merch on their official website including a comprehensive and diverse – if somewhat confusing – selection of fancy dress, soft toys, tapestries and… other items.
The crowning glory – and an absolute steal at just £180 – is the Phallos Mortuus box set. Originally released alongside the band’s 2013 album ‘Infestissumam’ and with only 250 made, it finally came “back from the vault” last year, to mark the LP’s tenth anniversary. But with demand apparently through the roof, the band have now put out a third and – they insist – ”final” batch.
Presented in a “bible box case with gold embossed artwork and red velvet lining”, items contained within include a metal pin badge and a “divorce paper scroll” – probably not legally binding, but at least starts the conversation with your spouse. By this point, I’m pretty sure most people will already agree that £180 feels like an absolute steal for such a rock solid offering.
But that’s not all. Ghost has really risen to the occasion. Nestled in its velvet bible box embrace, the headline attraction – centre stage, no support act required – is what, with unusual restraint, the band describes as “1 x Silicone Papa Emeritus adult toy”.
They seem a little coy about it, but I’ll get straight to the point. What you’re getting is a dildo in the image of Papa Emeritus himself. A long shaft – seven inches by two inches.
But before you start thinking that gives you a rather personal insight into his anatomy, I should say that when I told you it was crafted in his image, I meant it has his face on it. That face has quite a prominent nose, and atop the head is Emeritus’s trademark mitre – the headwear traditionally worn by bishops.
Looking at it, the shape of the mitre does actually seem to offer exactly the sort of practical utility that a superfan in the market for this sort of thing might – having assessed the dimensions – require. But overall – and I admit that I’m not the target market for this – I wouldn’t say it looks particularly comfortable. Although – I cannot stress this enough – I don’t now want an inbox full of emails letting me know either way.
Now, of course, it’s possible you might be thinking that £180 seems like quite a lot of money for this box. But don’t sit there thinking that all you get for your money is a badge, a useless scroll and a seven inch dildo with a man’s face carved into it. That would be ridiculous. You’ll also get a “bronze effect metal adult toy with moulded Grucifix logo base”. That’s quite a long-winded way of saying that there’s a butt plug in there. Three inches by two inches, if you’re wondering.
Purchases of this box of goodies are limited to two per customer. So you can’t buy one for every member of your family, but you will be able to have one to keep nice on the shelf and one to store, well, elsewhere.
Perhaps this isn’t your cup of tea though – not everyone’s a fan of Ghost – so for you, here are some of the other more amusing music news stories we happened upon this week…